Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Why are they following me???

Do you ever get the strange feeling that you are surrounded by idiots? No, not the one where it seems like everyone and their mother is auditioning for MTV "reality", the one where you feel as if stupid people purposefully befriend you and follow you around. Are the stray cats of failed education drawn to your intellectual meat dumpster? Did you mistakenly set a bowl of Knowledge Milk out on the Porch of Conversation?

Well, you are not alone. I am developing a theory for this phenomenon. I call it, "The Jealous Moth Postulation." No, I did not steal that from CBS.

As years of exposure to cliche, owning outdoor incandescence, and Wikipedia have taught me: moths are attracted to lights. "By maintaining a constant angular relationship to a bright celestial light, such as the Moon, they can fly in a straight line." This means that light is a sort of compass for the moth, and without bright guidance he can become confused and useless.

If we follow this logic, we can assume that Stupid People have some sort of inner instinct telling them to seek guidance, or to straighten themselves out. This Jiminy Cricket causes the Stupid People to bind themselves to more intelligent life forms, and perhaps learn something useful. This explains why they ask dumb questions, copy our behavior, and follow us around. The instinctual voice also has a defense mechanism which literally turns off the parts of the brain that are capable of detecting sarcasm, condescension, and annoyance - explaining why Stupid People with seemingly normal social skills are incapable of receiving these signals. This keeps the invisible leash between Stupid Person and Smart Person well maintained.

Romantics, however, might insist that the moth is drawn to the flame because of its profound beauty. Wings of gray - dull and powdered with that gross moth dust, this unattractive beast is cosmically pulled towards the thing it desires most: to feel pretty. This also seems applicable, as subconsciously (providing there is a conscious of which to be sub), Stupid People must know that they are lacking. They are not devoid of feeling. They, too, must occasionally feel a tug of envy - but perhaps mistake it for indigestion. At any rate, for whatever reason, consequently, they follow.

So what is our best countermeasure? Obviously, verbal abuse (however satisfying) is ineffective against the advanced anti-scorn defenses of the Inner Insect. We could also try to teach these lost souls: answer their questions and respond to their advances with kindness - but that often leads to insanity and/or homicide. Depending on how well known the subject is, there is a limit to our influence over their cognitive development...so...NO! it can't be!

Yes. Yes, I'm afraid so. The scientists working night and day on the Jealous Moth Postulation have only one successful defense (not including hermitage, surrender, and genetic engineering), and it is utterly sad. You must earn the scorn of the Dumb.

However you do this is up to you. Pretend to be a fan of the rival team that they so viciously and unreasonably hate. Claim to be a member of whatever creed/orientation/race they ignorantly despise. Or, if you have the time, commit yourself to being Too Smart. This is my favorite method. When they approach you, immediately jump to closing phrases like "Wow, that's a good point, this was such a good talk!" and try to convince them that they already had a conversation with you. Speak only in Latin riddles. Change your name to an equation with a lot of parentheses. These techniques are highly advanced, but highly effective. Even the dumbest moths will not fly all the way to the sun.

Either way, if you're sick of making really awesomely subtle puns and being met with blank stares, if you've run out of ways to explain the spelling of "their," and if you no longer want to hear every single detail of THEIR inane lives, you must find away to seem unattractive. I know, I know, it will be difficult. But I believe in you and your superior brain. Godspeed, good flame!


Le Manuel