Thursday, March 3, 2011

How To Not Be Gross In College

Okay, guys (not that I'm targeting guys, ahem ahem*), it's time to come clean. You're disgusting. You've been away from home far too long, and you desperately need someone to take the place of your mother or father or cat or whoever reminded you to maintain good personal hygiene when you were still in high school.

I'm here to be that voice. This is not aimed at anyone I know, just four years of mildly nauseated observing.  Whether you are about to be a freshman and want to avoid turning into That Slime Monster Down the Hall, or you're a graduating senior who just needs to be reminded of the basics, please take these words to heart, as this is an important life lesson.

Here are some general guidelines to being a tolerable person:

Shower regularly. No, seriously. Shower regularly. Like, every day if you have to. Err on the side of clean: If you can't tell if you need a shower, take a shower. Use soap. I apologize if this seems condescending, but it needs to be said. Wash all your bits. And your crannies.

Wash your hair. I have no problem with long hair on guys, as long as you know how to take care of it. Don't be a pussy about shampoo, get the kind with the fucking flowers on it if it's better for your hair, no one gives a shit. Don't just buy the stuff because it looks manly, actually pay attention to what it does to your hair. Is your scalp falling off? Is grease dripping down your neck after only a few hours? Adjust accordingly. Use conditioner if you have to.

Take care of your skin. Those white flaky places on your face that look like dried mayo? Yeah, that's not mayo. It's your skin yelling at you for being a negligent asshole to it. Wash, ex-foliate, and moisturize. Why do you even have that huge bottle of lotion by your bed if you're not going to use it on your face?

Cut your goddamn nails. They look like claws. Every two weeks is a good start. I prefer seeing the fingernails of people who compulsively bite them off than nails that are too long. You know why? Because every time you don't wash your hands after doing something disgusting, the icky tiny bits of SCIENCE get stuck under your fingernails, wait for you to violently scratch yourself, and then LODGE themselves under your skin to make a giant fucking colony of nasty slimy science babies inside you. Is that pleasant? No.

Wear deodorant. Actually, let's rephrase that: Apply deodorant. Every day. Under your armpits. NOTE: THIS IS NOT A SUBSTITUTE FOR SHOWERING. We'll talk later about how Febreze is not a substitute for laundry detergent.

Wash your fucking clothes. I'll make it simple:

1-use items: Underwear, socks, workout wear, and anything you've sweat in or dropped food on. Because of MATH, this should be the category of clothes of which you own the most.
2-use items: Shirts if you're careful and clean, sweatpants likewise. Don't ever put a dirty body into clean clothes, that's just a waste. See above: Shower.
3-5 use items: Jeans, heavy pants, sweaters, hoodies (or any shirt protected from the nastiness of you by another shirt), and bath towels
Two-week items: bedsheets and pillowcases (OMG those need to be washed??? Yes. You disgusting creature)
Oh yeah, and Febreze is not a substitute for laundry detergent. Along those same lines, room spray is not a substitute for taking out the trash, mints/gum are not substitutes for toothpaste, saran wrap is not a substitute for condoms, etc. etc.

Here's another list (yay lists!). This one describes bodily fluid maintenance acts that you may already be doing (good for you), just not in the appropriate setting.

Ear wax should be evacuated, examined, and disposed of. On a q-tip, not your finger.
Boogers should be rocketed, picked, or swiped out. In a tissue, not your finger. 
Phlegm should be coughed out. And then spit into a toilet or tissue when you are alone, not swallowed during lecture. Ew.
And for the drinkers: Piss, Shit, Puke, and other enthusiastic excretions (ahem) belong in the TOILET (or, ahem). It is not huhlarious to spread your monkey-dung everywhere, nor is it huhlarious to vom in people's shoes like an aging house-cat. Get your shit together, man. Literally.

All of the above tips will benefit you as you attempt to:

Avoid getting grossly sick. I'm not going to say "awww, poor baby" if you come up to me all inconsiderately dripping with fluids and phlegms and sulfuric acid. I'm going to say "Gee, maybe you should eat something besides pizza, or drink something besides Pepsi and Jaeger, or get more than five hours of sleep fitfully dreaming about not showering...etc." Sickness is for the weak, undisciplined, and uninformed.

Make friends and influence lovers. It's not shallow to prefer that someone bathe before they come near you. We are not horrible people for avoiding your room during Mildew Month. I firmly believe that cooties are real, and if you disobey every rule above you probably have them.

Now, I'm not an unreasonable hygiene Nazi. As in all facets of life, your Disgusting Factor is flexible. Generally, if you disobey 1 - 1.75 of the rules in this post, you are a perfectly acceptable person. Are you generally clean and healthy-looking but your hair is a little greasy? Not a problem. Do you have gorgeously flowing locks and pristine clothing but your skin is a little dry? Perfectly acceptable. But as Shakespeare said, "In the multiplying of conditions lives the stinky stinky poo."**  If you don't shower, don't wash your clothes, don't trim your claws, don't care at all what you look/smell/feel/sound/taste like, then you are officially That Slime Monster Down the Hall. Therefore - and I mean this in the kindest, most respectful way - it is everyone's dearest wish to turn a fucking fire hose on you.

Thank you

* I am. But that's okay, because the rules apply to girls too. Yay equality!
**Shakespeare never said that.


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  2. This is truly hilarious and awesome. Please print and post on every door and every wall in your school