Sunday, July 10, 2011

Shit I think about when I'm alone at 2:30 in the morning

- Is it weird that humans wash themselves with soap? Well, no, because cats wash themselves, so that's natural. But cats have clean spit and rough tongues. We probably can't wash ourselves because our saliva is unclean from eating processed food.

- What if I lose all my weight and I'm 100 pounds but I still have the arms of a fat girl? Will I walk around with sweaters all the time? I wonder why my forearms are so normal looking.

- My feet look sexier when I'm standing in the dark, because there's a little vein that pops out on the side and throws a shadow.

- Maybe I should write my name on my $18 night cream so that Mama doesn't start using it as revenge for me using her $18 night cream. Or maybe I can keep track of how many times I use it and then count the finger marks in the morning.

- My kitten likes to sleep on my pulse points, I hope that doesn't mean she's gonna grow up to be a serial killer.

- It's weird that the little Kardashian sister is so much taller and thinner than the others. I wonder if she's the smart one and just has random DNA.

- I think I'm going to tell my kids that Santa isn't real, but I'm not sure about the tooth fairy yet. It seems a shame to deprive them of money, at least with the Santa thing I'm still giving them presents.

- I ate a cheese curd that I found in the fridge and before I had even swallowed my arteries started to clog. Then I had a mini panic attack because I thought there might be meat in it. Not enjoyable.

- Shit I forgot to feed the rats.

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