Friday, October 7, 2011

A Bunch of Reasons Why Living With Animals is Weird

When we were kids, literally every children's story and TV show was about talking animals. Which seemed like the coolest thing ever, plus pets are fun to play with and represent maturity in the "responsibility" aspect. So we all begged our parents for animals, and they caved, most likely because they did the same thing to their parents and were therefore already brainwashed.

Yes, brainwashed. Don't get me wrong, I love my beasts. But WHY do I love my beasts? Is it because we have a genuine bond of friendship and mutual dependence, or is it because I have been programmed by generations of evolution to bring these creatures their food?

I've been mind-bossed by someone that eats their own feces. Great.

Living with animals my whole life has deadened me to how weird it is that I live with animals. I barely notice the bizarre shit that happens around here because of them. But now I'm going to attempt to shake off the hypnosis and remember some of the strangeness. These are things that I've been taught by my pets.

Because of the Dog:
- We both sleep much more comfortably if I'm curled up in a ball on the bed.
- There are tennis balls in the randomest, ankle-breakingest places, and if I'm going to pick them up I must be prepared for Fetch Time.
- I put my shoes on in secret.
- The crust, rind, shell, and dropped casualty of every food item is obviously his property. It's the Cuteness Tax.
- That might be vomit.
- I need candles. Many candles. For the antifart.
- Walking around in public with grocery bags full of excrement is expected.
- That is definitely vomit.

Because of the Cats:
- Hanging laundry is a party activity.
- It is dangerous to walk around corners.
- Any beverage must be immediately finished. Coke-fried electronics are entirely my fault.
- Curtains are evil?
- That might be poo.
- Sometimes it's just fun to meow.
- Windowsill time is do-not-disturb time.
- Tassels, necklaces, shoelaces, drawstrings, earrings, purse straps, and fingers are all actually malicious attack worms from the devil.
- That is definitely poo.

Because of the Rats:
- The word "vermin" is inappropriate.
- Plastic bags are terrifying objects.
- Treats must be divided equally and fairly, unless one of them doesn't get there fast enough.
- Everything must be crawled in, around, and up.
- Mascara is delicious.
- The two most comfortable beds in the world are hammocks and cleavage.

So yeah, pets are awesome. They make you feel like a slave/zookeeper/prison warden, and they sprinkle tiny hairs on EVERYTHING, but they are love that doesn't talk back. So it's really worth it in the long run. We live our lives waiting for them to do something cute so we can just barely miss capturing it on film, and we constantly fear finding something gross with our feet in the dark. They even help us get along with each other - they are the perfect smalltalk, the party-pleasers, the rapist-biters, and the cancer-sniffers.

I just really wish they would keep their fluids to themselves.

1 comment: