Thursday, August 25, 2011


Sometimes, in the dead of night, you wonder if those "mosquito bites" on your legs are really mosquito bites. Because they seem to itch an inordinate amount, and they are red. And they don't go away after washing, which most polite mosquito bites do.

And then you wonder, maybe it's poison ivy, because you sure do a lot of crawling around in weedy undergrowth, more than a normal person would, say a paralegal for example. So you Google what poison ivy looks/feels like and then you decide no, that's definitely not it. Fuck no. Not having that.

And then you think about how you've been wearing those new Kohls jeans that you bought without washing because you were so excited to have well-fitting jeans, because the big ones require a lot of belt action, and sometimes a really tight belt over really loose jeans makes you look like you have a penis. Which is sometimes not what you want.

And then you wonder if you could be getting a skin reaction from something in the jeans. Because your skin overreacts to everything. Your skin is that super polite girl at work that makes gaspy noises when you're telling a story, even if you're just describing a sandwich or Simon Powell's hair. It's like, relax, lady, this story ain't gonna pop any vital organs.

And then you remember how you were like SUPER excited to see how long you could go without doing laundry, so the only genital-covering option to wear to work tomorrow is those exact rage-inducing jeans. Unless you shave your legs and wear a skirt, which to be honest would be difficult to do with all those bumps all over your skin. Because of extreme blood loss being bad for productivity and morale in the work environment.

So what you've decided to do at this point is wake up early, like around 10ish, to start a load of laundry before work. Which would be an awesome plan if you hadn't already wasted so much valuable sleep time by posting a useless blog projecting your own laundry/skin insecurities in a slap-dash 2nd person narrative, which happened to come to an end just as your sleeping pill kicked in so there wasn't really a decent conclusion?...............

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